Long Time No See....

OK, I know it's been a long time since the last time I've posted anything. There are so many factors (and/or excuses) involved in my absence.

I'll start with my factors and move on to my excuses later. (Always the procrastinator.)

We left Wilmington in late Feb/early Mar and took our time traveling to Rock Springs. We drove an average of 2-3 hrs per day with a few layovers and arrived at the beginning of April. This last month has been an adjustment, to say the least. At each new park there is always an adjustment period but some how it has been more difficult here. Partly from work - the act itself. We spent the winter behind a desk, working 2-3 days per week max (other then covering the managers for vacation, and out-of-town business which entailed around-the-clock work). Then we had a five week break/vacation while we traveled here. Once we arrived, we had one day to do our "spring cleaning", laundry and grocery shopping before we started work. (Not by our doing.) We planned to arrive early so we could do all of this and get some sight-seeing in before punching a clock again. Unfortunately, the last set of winter workampers were leaving and the managers would be left alone if we didn't begin ahead of schedule. Of course, the bleeding hearts that we are, completed all of these tasks in one day, so we could begin work a week earlier then planned. How does this always happen?... because I still haven't learned to say NO, maybe? Jason and I have a saying we repeat quite frequently (to ourselves), yet haven't learned how to apply - "Poor planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine". Maybe, someday, I'll have the nerve to say it, instead of think it.
So now we're working five days a week with (quite frankly, a bunch of cranky old folks). It doesn't make for a whole lot of fun and slightly resembles (dare I say it...) A REAL JOB. We've been saying too frequently lately, that this is not what we're doing this for. This is not supposed to feel like work. This is not supposed to feel like a job.

In addition, having spent so much quality time with the girls over the winter season and during our road trip, I had major guilt about being away from them so much. Which isn't uncommon during the "adjustment period". It usually takes a week or so to get familiar with a new parks' rules, standards and allowances (so to speak). But, to make matters worse, the weather has not exactly been conducive to being outside. Usually, they get their stuff done and are outside by lunchtime, then they come hang out with us at work. With the weather so cold and the strict rules of the park, our usual routine has been modified. That being said, things have improved - both the weather and our "togetherness" during the day. 

Another factor has been a self-imposed stress regarding food. We watched the documentary, Food Inc, shortly after arriving and it answered all my questions (and concerns) about the food we eat. Unfortunately, it also lifted my veil of denial. And with me, once the veil has been lifted, I can't pretend not to know. This has caused stress for our family because, well, we love food, GOOD food. And as we soon learned, Rock Springs does not support organic food. There are three grocery stores in town, of which, only one carries an organic line. But, since there obviously isn't a following for it here, we are only able to buy the same limited options week after week, that being - a whole chicken and ground beef. This has made, what I consider to be the worst chore - going grocery shopping, even worse.   

You may (or may not) have noticed a change in my tone for this post. I'm trying a new thing - complete honesty (more with myself then you). I've decided to (try my best at) REALLY tuning-in to my state of mind, do a little less self-editing and expose myself for who I really am - the good, the bad and the ugly.

And now for the deeper truth, the reason for so many excuses, as to why I've been away so long.

I want to write. I actually love to write. And yet, I'm scared? to write. I'm not sure if that's the best word to describe the emotional push-pull that goes on in my brain. I want to do it full time and yet I can't picture it either. When I had five weeks of opportunity to play full-time writer, I didn't have a word to say. I want to say it, express it, get it all out and documented but then what? Do I really want to know what I have to say? Does anyone else? Do I even have anything to say? Do I have the character it takes to say my truth, even when it's not fun, pretty or interesting? How willing am I to expose all my truths for others (and myself) to judge?

For me, writing can be best explained by comparing it to a roller coaster ride. I can't wait to get on and have some fun. There is that excited, nervous, anticipation. Once I'm on the ride, I'm having fun, enjoying myself, taking in the pure pleasure of it. I then find out some minor detail (like there is a "possible" descent coming) and I, of course, allow it to trip me up. Now, I'm unsure, maybe I shouldn't even be on this ride. Then the ride takes it's usual ups and downs. A few sharp turns later and the slow chug upward begins. Then quite suddenly, the bottom drops out and that overwhelming feeling of "what am I doing on this ride, anyway" becomes front and center. That's when all the beauty and joy and fun becomes invisible to me because all I can see (in myself) is sheer fear and a sense of where am I going with this, anyway? What was I really expecting to accomplish? Wasn't this supposed to be fun? So I get off the ride (wanting to throw up) and then some time passes (hence the delay) and before I know it, I'm standing in line again with the same nervous, excited, anticipation (hence, I'm back).

So there it is. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God!